One knot undone

I debated whether I should write this or not, but since this is to be journal of ‘my journey', here I am- I finally resolved, gained an understanding of the ONENESS. There are still some dark corners, some entangled knots, but I now know ONENESS. And the strange thing is, this was so simple along. It is so easy to understand and grasp and live and yet all these years the barriers were my own. It is as if a curtain has lifted. As simple as that. Conceptually I knew this but did not understand and now I do. And I am like a pregnant woman, who carries this precious gift, but cannot explain, who feels the aches and pains and yet is blissful, who with the morning nausea experiences a complete and total serenity of being a part of this creation, who sometimes doubts her own ability to carry this truth within her and then laughs at herself for knowing that this experience is not in her control, that the precious gift is growing, stretching, turning and waiting, on its own, and all she can do is provide a nurturing environment. And even in its absence it will grow the way it is meant to. That is all I can write, and this is all I can explain.

Words again

You said my friend ‘But words is all we have’ and I agree. I totally agree. In absence of everything else, words are all we have. And please do not misunderstand me when I say they are inefficient. I am not belittling them. All I am saying is that are inefficient in conveying the exact and the total meaning of any emotion. You can only relatively explain with words what you feel. Not totally and completely. E.g. I can explain my loss to you with words and you will understand it and relate it to your idea of loss based on your experiences, your environment and your intellect, which may be similar or completely different then mine, in which case you will never understand the nuances of my experience. Therefore the saying, ‘put yourself in other’s shoes’, you really have to put yourself in another shoe, in his/her background, understanding and intellect. Your perception of the world will never be same as mine, it can be similar, but not the same and therefore, my passions cannot be yours, my reasons may not be yours. I think this is when Truth matters, for Truth is same for all. It withstands backgrounds and cultural barriers and upbringings. Truth is truth and complete. And this find amazing.

Words

Isn't it amazing that the words though beautiful are not very efficient? Words can communicate the thoughts and day to day bearings, but I think words fall short in doing the justice to the experiences. For example how does one explain the beautiful experience of being pregnant? You can use all the words that you want but unless the woman is pregnant she will never know what it s to be pregnant. Same thing for love, how can you explain love, or pain, or loss. How do you explain peace or yearning? Words can at the best communicate what it 'feels' like, but the feeling has to be experienced, to be understood, to be breathed and lived to be fully grasped. I think words fall short here. I think that is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. I can be knowledgeable by reading books or by conversing with people more knowledgeable then myself, but wisdom? A wise man is a person who has experienced the knowledge, breathed it, lived it, made his own. And then any words that person might want to use will just fall short of explaining the experience. I think that as why as people grow more wise they can more silent. Because they know that what they feel cannot be communicated with the words. Then the eyes speak, the smile speaks, the gait speaks. The entire being of that wise person speaks. I just find this fascinating.

Lake Mauch Chunk

It was very chilly in the night, more the reason for a campfire. In the morning, a transparent mist hung over the green waters of the lake while the morning rays of the sun gently warmed and cajoled the surrounding into waking up to another beautiful day.
Mauch Chunk Lake is a beautiful place. The lake is surrounded by a park which competes with the lake in its beauty. It truly is a picture postcard. I kept this memory close to my heart since then. This year, as the moon shone on the silent, deep lake, and the silver gentle waves reached my feet I saved another memory. The lake had so much to offer by just being there.

Ego

Admist my tears, through misty eyes
I met someone tonight
He looked like me and talked like me
He even walked like me
He looked very familiar

As I continued to cry and look around,
Trying to find someone to blame,
He laughed aloud, he mocked
‘Ha ha…., I got you again…’
With victory in his eyes, a smile on his face,
He spoke in engaging voice, he said
‘You will not get rid of me,
Not this easily, I am here to stay’

‘This was my win, there will be many more, my dear
Here hold on to your precious tears…for
I have known you all your life, better then you know yourself
Your strengths, your weakness
I am closer to you then breath itself
You have lived through me and I through you
We had fun, you know
Without me you cease to exists,
For I am your ego’

And with that, he turned his back
And disappeared as swiftly as he had come
I sat down defeated,

- Nee (2002)

As I begin a new decade, I am dedicating some part of this year to looking part and questioning – have I covered any distance? What are these mile markers saying? So shifting through some old pages I came across some poems(?) I had written and these poems talk about where I had pitched my tent for that moment. The next few posts will be that- looking back, looking back at the decade in which my very being turned upside-down, inside-out. And my loved ones who stood by me, loving me through it all, watching me breakdown, wandering if there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a long time when I was struggling with emotions. Time when I did not know why the world was coming down, crashing every day. When I would question my existence and the existence of the world. Frustrated at not knowing, not understanding and not knowing where to turn, I would throw myself into the chaos and confusion. I was there for a long time. I am grateful, now I am found.

I have learnt that when you understand disillusion as disillusion and you accept it for what it is, when you see and understand that blue was always blue and will always be blue… when you finally accept that you are a part of this universe and that your purpose is to BE, to be completely here, that your ego is here for a purpose and that you cannot obliterate (strong word- but that is what I thought one had to do) it, but understand it, to know at all the time that its existence is to serve you and the greater purpose. During my struggles I was looking for a way to escape this ego of mine. Time has taught me to befriend it. This is not a relationship can be won by a war, rather it has to be won over by diplomacy. And diplomacy by its nature is a delicate balance. I remain alert and am vigilant. There are many miles to walk, but I am not in hurry. I stop when I see an enchanting scene, a river or a hill. With the turn of decade I think I have arrived where I was meant to be. Amen.

Joy (poem)

There are moments when I feel my heart has expanded to encompass the whole world. There are moments of completeness. I feel that my heart here accepts everything that this moment has offered and my eyes overflow. I offer my thanks. I am grateful for this joyous experience.

One foot in front of the other
Hands raised to the skies
The rain too is crazy
Moving, dancing by my side
Here we tango, here we salsa
Without touching the ground
Unable to contain ourselves
No shyness or sideway glance

Deep in the valleys
With laughter trailing behind
Runs the river with colors
Stealing the diamonds from the skies
Teasing the shiny sun
We run hand in hand
Unable to contain ourselves
On the fresh, dewy land

Our ears to the earth
Feet taping to distant music
The sound of bare feet dancing
Fingers drumming the humming air
Singing in unison
With the birds, streams and waterfalls
O full of love, we are flowing
Unable to contain ourselves

-Nee

Next Chapter

I got introduced to a monk. A Buddhist monk. I have always respected men and women clothed in the garb that indicated their inclination to the higher spirit. My head always bowed in reverence. It did not matter how far they were on that journey. It has always been enough that they are walking on the path, which to me, is many times hard, tedious, slow and lonely. For there are dark nights when there is no answer to the calls, and try as one may, there is no indication of any existence beyond what can be sensed by the five senses. How does one get through these nights of loneliness, of despair? On faith alone? And what if the faith fails too? The one you have loved, worshipped, given the reins of your soul to, fails you? Then what? That is what I am finding out.. the loss of faith, the loss of love and the loss of worship.

Here and now begins the next phase of my journey. As I make peace with the loss, I must still keep the faith on the larger and higher spirit and the purpose. And keep my heart open- open to the words, thoughts, and men and women of that inclination. For there is chance that I may still touch the omnipotent, the omnipresent, the eternity. As I disentangle myself from previous engagements, wary, I have begun again. To find that one glimpse of perfection.