Strange Dream

I recently had a strange dream. I was in an ancient haveli kind of structure, and there were many small temples inside that structure. Infact the whole place, not just the building, but the whole environment had holiness to it. I could hear the prayer bells and smell the incense in my dream. The morning rays of the sun were filtering in through huge ornate windows. I was wearing some sort of holy costume. Slowly I walked towards one of the window. Outside the window, a small calf was buried in the ground, with only her head, her eyes and her nose exposed above the ground. What was most striking about the whole picture, were her eyes. I have never in my life, in dream or in wakeful state seen such luminous black eyes. The eyes were gentle, wise and reflected light. I was mesmerized for a while by those eyes. Then I panicked and jumped out of the window. I started digging around the calf with my bare hands to free her from the ground. I kept on digging and digging for what seemed to be a while. During this the eyes kept on looking at me, and the more I dug, the larger the calf appeared then what I originally anticipated its size to be. It was as if growing in size right in front of my eyes. I kept on digging and then woke up.

I can’t interpret what the dream meant. However it was very vivid and real. I got up and felt I was there. Those luminous eyes have stayed with me since, a reminder of a world that may have been my past, or my future perhaps? Or another world? I often wonder about dreams… sometimes I see faces and places that I have never seen in this lifetime. I wonder about their relevance.

Picture in picture

“Hold it little close to you, just at the right distance, and all you need to do is look at your own reflection. Slowly the real picture will emerge and once you can see it you will never loose it. When you move your eyes away from the picture you may momentarily loose it but the moment you change the way you look at it, the real picture will emerge again. Once found you never loose it, even when you think you have.” As I was uttering these words it almost seemed like I was dispensing Self knowledge. Actually my love was squinting her eyes trying to see the pictures in the one of those autostereogram. It was very endearing to watch her efforts and persistence. And on seeing the real picture- her awe and her joy. She kept going back to the picture many times during the day and the following week. Reflecting back on my words I was amazed at the profoundness of them. ‘Once found you never really loose the real picture even when you think you have.’

A little shift (poem)

I wanted to write that
the sleep was hard to come by
with many moments spent awake
and yet when I slept
I slept so long, so deep and long
and while I slept
the pieces moved just little bit on the plane
maintaining the delicate balance
the whole is the same and
nothing has changed
yet everything has shifted in perfect dance
wanted to write to let you know
I am alive
more alive then ever before
cradled and nestled in life's palm
engulfed by peace in my core
the colors are vivid, the trees more alive
my saints in meditation
maintaining life
a little shift, a subtle pace
a gentle humming
accompanied by grace

- nee

Earth

I am not sure how people arrive to conclusions or how realizations dawn on them, but in my case, I am always surprised when an understanding 'suddenly' dawns on me.. let me clarify the quotes- I mull and dwell, then forget, then mull some more and then forget and after few such cycles, the realization suddenly dawns upon me... like a cool, fragrant mist. I have always been at greater peace in the nature. On my regular walks I am always enthralled by the trees, their shapes, their rich colors, the blue sky and all the lovely elements that form the landscape of my walk. On this particular walk, I was suddenly startled by the fact how alive our Earth is, I mean, I truly understood why they call Earth a live planet. Everything, the breeze is constantly moving, the sky is changing, the leaves, birds, the insects, the water, even the dirt. It is full of life. And then I started to think of the spaces that were completely void of life and I could not think of any. I have in my entire life never been to a place that is void of life. Even in a small patch of mud in a concrete jungle 'life finds a way' (Jurassic Park 2). And I was amazed how I never noticed this before. But this realization has changed the way I look at my life, and my role in this whole equation. I am constantly surrounded by change, by motion, by the circle of life. All these miracles have always been there but I had been so preoccupied with me, myself and ME that I never noticed it. I am now like a person back from the death, a person who wants to gather the beauty of every moment with both the hands and make up for all the lost time. I mean look at the rainbow- what is the purpose of the rainbow and the fireflies... I mean the fireflies did not have to be like the fireflies, but they could have been ordinary flies, and ordinary flies could have been completely drab and dull instead of possessing beautiful wings with sheen of black and cobalt and flecks of gold. The evolution of life could all have been very ordinary and guess what we all would have been OK with it because we would not have known any better. But the fact is IT IS NOT. Everything I see around is extraordinary. Everything in this nature is little better then it needs to be. Enchanting.

One knot undone

I debated whether I should write this or not, but since this is to be journal of ‘my journey', here I am- I finally resolved, gained an understanding of the ONENESS. There are still some dark corners, some entangled knots, but I now know ONENESS. And the strange thing is, this was so simple along. It is so easy to understand and grasp and live and yet all these years the barriers were my own. It is as if a curtain has lifted. As simple as that. Conceptually I knew this but did not understand and now I do. And I am like a pregnant woman, who carries this precious gift, but cannot explain, who feels the aches and pains and yet is blissful, who with the morning nausea experiences a complete and total serenity of being a part of this creation, who sometimes doubts her own ability to carry this truth within her and then laughs at herself for knowing that this experience is not in her control, that the precious gift is growing, stretching, turning and waiting, on its own, and all she can do is provide a nurturing environment. And even in its absence it will grow the way it is meant to. That is all I can write, and this is all I can explain.

Words again

You said my friend ‘But words is all we have’ and I agree. I totally agree. In absence of everything else, words are all we have. And please do not misunderstand me when I say they are inefficient. I am not belittling them. All I am saying is that are inefficient in conveying the exact and the total meaning of any emotion. You can only relatively explain with words what you feel. Not totally and completely. E.g. I can explain my loss to you with words and you will understand it and relate it to your idea of loss based on your experiences, your environment and your intellect, which may be similar or completely different then mine, in which case you will never understand the nuances of my experience. Therefore the saying, ‘put yourself in other’s shoes’, you really have to put yourself in another shoe, in his/her background, understanding and intellect. Your perception of the world will never be same as mine, it can be similar, but not the same and therefore, my passions cannot be yours, my reasons may not be yours. I think this is when Truth matters, for Truth is same for all. It withstands backgrounds and cultural barriers and upbringings. Truth is truth and complete. And this find amazing.

Words

Isn't it amazing that the words though beautiful are not very efficient? Words can communicate the thoughts and day to day bearings, but I think words fall short in doing the justice to the experiences. For example how does one explain the beautiful experience of being pregnant? You can use all the words that you want but unless the woman is pregnant she will never know what it s to be pregnant. Same thing for love, how can you explain love, or pain, or loss. How do you explain peace or yearning? Words can at the best communicate what it 'feels' like, but the feeling has to be experienced, to be understood, to be breathed and lived to be fully grasped. I think words fall short here. I think that is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. I can be knowledgeable by reading books or by conversing with people more knowledgeable then myself, but wisdom? A wise man is a person who has experienced the knowledge, breathed it, lived it, made his own. And then any words that person might want to use will just fall short of explaining the experience. I think that as why as people grow more wise they can more silent. Because they know that what they feel cannot be communicated with the words. Then the eyes speak, the smile speaks, the gait speaks. The entire being of that wise person speaks. I just find this fascinating.