a line crossed

I think there comes a point in life when you make a conscious choice to crossover. To start on the all encompassing journey into oneself. It may not happen in this lifetime but somewhere along the way, it happens. The time has to be right. And once one embarks on it, it is like sitting in a broken carriage that is going along its merry way on the tracks that lead to unknown. In the broken carriage you have no control- like in those Indiana Jones movies- you literally have no control.. you surrender to the bumps and the speed and leisure. And then after freaking out for few miles you decide to sit back and enjoy the ride.

I remember the time I stepped onto the other side and remember the initial struggles for the control and the occasional meltdown that still happens – happens when I try to steer the carriage, manipulate the speed… but it is occasional and thank God for it. And once you sit back you notice every bump, every precarious curve.. and maybe even enjoy it as your adrenaline rushes with the carriage..

There are days of complete silence, and there are days of complete chaos.

a moment in time or shall we say space?

Being me? (written 6/18/08)

That we must take of what we can from this life
For what is absent I can write volumes about
To fill in the holes gaping wide
Of all that the heart desired and wasted sighs
Does it matter then I be great
For in my being great was my abstinence
Forced upon my being with hand of fate
When I would rather be wanton and wild
To inspire and rise, to shine galore
Was hardly a dream I aspired to, my friend
I would have been happy to be in the dark
and be, be with a myself, a mundane, tedious, trivial bore

but then how could I be that when these moments of perfections sneak upon me…

The moments of perfection – when the feeling that this is where I am supposed to be and this is perfect, this is my life and this is it and I am happy.. I am happy with what and who I am.. A moment that I pull over myself, wear it, breathe it, sing it. And then learn a way to recreate it again and again. But moments like these cannot be created, cannot be created by thoughts, books or conversations. Moment like this happen, when everything falls in place.. just like it is supposed to, as if a hand had written the destiny long ago about this place, about this time and about me being at this intersection. This magic happens and wonder of wonder, it happens when least expected, with only one condition that needs to be present – which is, I need to be present in the present. I need to be there when it happens …

Had Pray Moment Yesterday..

Had a Pray moment last night- from Eat, Pray, Love. It was 12 in the night and I was desparately crying, not on the bathroom floor but on the bed... except the location and the person everything else was same.. the emotions and the intensity.. and the desperation. What more and how can I move forward?

It has been getting better every week, every day since last 1 year but there are couple of days in the month when I amount to nothing and all the light, the trees, the golden leaves melt away.. I am standing at the edge of a bottomless pit.. and then as I look in the darkness I wonder why and when this will end... why even couple of day in a month should I be shredded this cruelly... and this has nothing to do with my hormones.. for this happens not at that time of the month or any particular time of the month... it waits, wathces and then it just comes... and then it is gone...

I eventually slept, little peaceful.. hoping for a dream and some sanity..

I woke up fine and whole, wonderfull.. And I marked my calendar.. then till next month I shall live, breathe this wonderful life again.

so changed my Sebring

to another convertible. Sebring gave me love for wind and trees whizing above my heead. My Sebring died. It was old and falling and then it died. So I buried it and started all over again, taking my love for all the things that Sebring had brought to my life I moved on.. to another convertible and another road.