Earth

I am not sure how people arrive to conclusions or how realizations dawn on them, but in my case, I am always surprised when an understanding 'suddenly' dawns on me.. let me clarify the quotes- I mull and dwell, then forget, then mull some more and then forget and after few such cycles, the realization suddenly dawns upon me... like a cool, fragrant mist. I have always been at greater peace in the nature. On my regular walks I am always enthralled by the trees, their shapes, their rich colors, the blue sky and all the lovely elements that form the landscape of my walk. On this particular walk, I was suddenly startled by the fact how alive our Earth is, I mean, I truly understood why they call Earth a live planet. Everything, the breeze is constantly moving, the sky is changing, the leaves, birds, the insects, the water, even the dirt. It is full of life. And then I started to think of the spaces that were completely void of life and I could not think of any. I have in my entire life never been to a place that is void of life. Even in a small patch of mud in a concrete jungle 'life finds a way' (Jurassic Park 2). And I was amazed how I never noticed this before. But this realization has changed the way I look at my life, and my role in this whole equation. I am constantly surrounded by change, by motion, by the circle of life. All these miracles have always been there but I had been so preoccupied with me, myself and ME that I never noticed it. I am now like a person back from the death, a person who wants to gather the beauty of every moment with both the hands and make up for all the lost time. I mean look at the rainbow- what is the purpose of the rainbow and the fireflies... I mean the fireflies did not have to be like the fireflies, but they could have been ordinary flies, and ordinary flies could have been completely drab and dull instead of possessing beautiful wings with sheen of black and cobalt and flecks of gold. The evolution of life could all have been very ordinary and guess what we all would have been OK with it because we would not have known any better. But the fact is IT IS NOT. Everything I see around is extraordinary. Everything in this nature is little better then it needs to be. Enchanting.

One knot undone

I debated whether I should write this or not, but since this is to be journal of ‘my journey', here I am- I finally resolved, gained an understanding of the ONENESS. There are still some dark corners, some entangled knots, but I now know ONENESS. And the strange thing is, this was so simple along. It is so easy to understand and grasp and live and yet all these years the barriers were my own. It is as if a curtain has lifted. As simple as that. Conceptually I knew this but did not understand and now I do. And I am like a pregnant woman, who carries this precious gift, but cannot explain, who feels the aches and pains and yet is blissful, who with the morning nausea experiences a complete and total serenity of being a part of this creation, who sometimes doubts her own ability to carry this truth within her and then laughs at herself for knowing that this experience is not in her control, that the precious gift is growing, stretching, turning and waiting, on its own, and all she can do is provide a nurturing environment. And even in its absence it will grow the way it is meant to. That is all I can write, and this is all I can explain.

Words again

You said my friend ‘But words is all we have’ and I agree. I totally agree. In absence of everything else, words are all we have. And please do not misunderstand me when I say they are inefficient. I am not belittling them. All I am saying is that are inefficient in conveying the exact and the total meaning of any emotion. You can only relatively explain with words what you feel. Not totally and completely. E.g. I can explain my loss to you with words and you will understand it and relate it to your idea of loss based on your experiences, your environment and your intellect, which may be similar or completely different then mine, in which case you will never understand the nuances of my experience. Therefore the saying, ‘put yourself in other’s shoes’, you really have to put yourself in another shoe, in his/her background, understanding and intellect. Your perception of the world will never be same as mine, it can be similar, but not the same and therefore, my passions cannot be yours, my reasons may not be yours. I think this is when Truth matters, for Truth is same for all. It withstands backgrounds and cultural barriers and upbringings. Truth is truth and complete. And this find amazing.

Words

Isn't it amazing that the words though beautiful are not very efficient? Words can communicate the thoughts and day to day bearings, but I think words fall short in doing the justice to the experiences. For example how does one explain the beautiful experience of being pregnant? You can use all the words that you want but unless the woman is pregnant she will never know what it s to be pregnant. Same thing for love, how can you explain love, or pain, or loss. How do you explain peace or yearning? Words can at the best communicate what it 'feels' like, but the feeling has to be experienced, to be understood, to be breathed and lived to be fully grasped. I think words fall short here. I think that is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. I can be knowledgeable by reading books or by conversing with people more knowledgeable then myself, but wisdom? A wise man is a person who has experienced the knowledge, breathed it, lived it, made his own. And then any words that person might want to use will just fall short of explaining the experience. I think that as why as people grow more wise they can more silent. Because they know that what they feel cannot be communicated with the words. Then the eyes speak, the smile speaks, the gait speaks. The entire being of that wise person speaks. I just find this fascinating.

Lake Mauch Chunk

It was very chilly in the night, more the reason for a campfire. In the morning, a transparent mist hung over the green waters of the lake while the morning rays of the sun gently warmed and cajoled the surrounding into waking up to another beautiful day.
Mauch Chunk Lake is a beautiful place. The lake is surrounded by a park which competes with the lake in its beauty. It truly is a picture postcard. I kept this memory close to my heart since then. This year, as the moon shone on the silent, deep lake, and the silver gentle waves reached my feet I saved another memory. The lake had so much to offer by just being there.

Ego

Admist my tears, through misty eyes
I met someone tonight
He looked like me and talked like me
He even walked like me
He looked very familiar

As I continued to cry and look around,
Trying to find someone to blame,
He laughed aloud, he mocked
‘Ha ha…., I got you again…’
With victory in his eyes, a smile on his face,
He spoke in engaging voice, he said
‘You will not get rid of me,
Not this easily, I am here to stay’

‘This was my win, there will be many more, my dear
Here hold on to your precious tears…for
I have known you all your life, better then you know yourself
Your strengths, your weakness
I am closer to you then breath itself
You have lived through me and I through you
We had fun, you know
Without me you cease to exists,
For I am your ego’

And with that, he turned his back
And disappeared as swiftly as he had come
I sat down defeated,

- Nee (2002)

As I begin a new decade, I am dedicating some part of this year to looking part and questioning – have I covered any distance? What are these mile markers saying? So shifting through some old pages I came across some poems(?) I had written and these poems talk about where I had pitched my tent for that moment. The next few posts will be that- looking back, looking back at the decade in which my very being turned upside-down, inside-out. And my loved ones who stood by me, loving me through it all, watching me breakdown, wandering if there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a long time when I was struggling with emotions. Time when I did not know why the world was coming down, crashing every day. When I would question my existence and the existence of the world. Frustrated at not knowing, not understanding and not knowing where to turn, I would throw myself into the chaos and confusion. I was there for a long time. I am grateful, now I am found.

I have learnt that when you understand disillusion as disillusion and you accept it for what it is, when you see and understand that blue was always blue and will always be blue… when you finally accept that you are a part of this universe and that your purpose is to BE, to be completely here, that your ego is here for a purpose and that you cannot obliterate (strong word- but that is what I thought one had to do) it, but understand it, to know at all the time that its existence is to serve you and the greater purpose. During my struggles I was looking for a way to escape this ego of mine. Time has taught me to befriend it. This is not a relationship can be won by a war, rather it has to be won over by diplomacy. And diplomacy by its nature is a delicate balance. I remain alert and am vigilant. There are many miles to walk, but I am not in hurry. I stop when I see an enchanting scene, a river or a hill. With the turn of decade I think I have arrived where I was meant to be. Amen.