Ego

Admist my tears, through misty eyes
I met someone tonight
He looked like me and talked like me
He even walked like me
He looked very familiar

As I continued to cry and look around,
Trying to find someone to blame,
He laughed aloud, he mocked
‘Ha ha…., I got you again…’
With victory in his eyes, a smile on his face,
He spoke in engaging voice, he said
‘You will not get rid of me,
Not this easily, I am here to stay’

‘This was my win, there will be many more, my dear
Here hold on to your precious tears…for
I have known you all your life, better then you know yourself
Your strengths, your weakness
I am closer to you then breath itself
You have lived through me and I through you
We had fun, you know
Without me you cease to exists,
For I am your ego’

And with that, he turned his back
And disappeared as swiftly as he had come
I sat down defeated,

- Nee (2002)

As I begin a new decade, I am dedicating some part of this year to looking part and questioning – have I covered any distance? What are these mile markers saying? So shifting through some old pages I came across some poems(?) I had written and these poems talk about where I had pitched my tent for that moment. The next few posts will be that- looking back, looking back at the decade in which my very being turned upside-down, inside-out. And my loved ones who stood by me, loving me through it all, watching me breakdown, wandering if there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a long time when I was struggling with emotions. Time when I did not know why the world was coming down, crashing every day. When I would question my existence and the existence of the world. Frustrated at not knowing, not understanding and not knowing where to turn, I would throw myself into the chaos and confusion. I was there for a long time. I am grateful, now I am found.

I have learnt that when you understand disillusion as disillusion and you accept it for what it is, when you see and understand that blue was always blue and will always be blue… when you finally accept that you are a part of this universe and that your purpose is to BE, to be completely here, that your ego is here for a purpose and that you cannot obliterate (strong word- but that is what I thought one had to do) it, but understand it, to know at all the time that its existence is to serve you and the greater purpose. During my struggles I was looking for a way to escape this ego of mine. Time has taught me to befriend it. This is not a relationship can be won by a war, rather it has to be won over by diplomacy. And diplomacy by its nature is a delicate balance. I remain alert and am vigilant. There are many miles to walk, but I am not in hurry. I stop when I see an enchanting scene, a river or a hill. With the turn of decade I think I have arrived where I was meant to be. Amen.